Cover photo by Angel Zuniga

Gozamos is proud to present EL CHORO, a monthly ‘news’ source for smart asses and sinvergüenzas. The series is written by Jaime de Leon, a comedian from La Villita. Check him out at shows around the city and at Pilsen Stand Up, a monthly stand up comedy show.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—At a briefing in the White House press room on Thursday afternoon, reporters were surprised to find that press secretary, Sean Spicer, had been replaced by a four-foot piñata of Donald Trump.

Amidst countless scandals and few press events, media outlets were now charged with getting answers from a cardboard commander in chief.

No longer phased by the ridiculous actions of the Trump press team, the veteran reporters were not deterred, as they started asking questions of the 48-in tall piñata president.

But the Trump piñata just stood there stoic and silent at the podium, as the ruffles of its yellow paper hair flapped in the breeze from the air vents above.

A dogged New York Times reporter saw this as  a chance to try to get answers, asking the piñata if he still believes climate change is a hoax. Once again, it just stared blankly with its mouth open as if yelling, but not uttering a single word.

Piñata Trump’s silence did not seem to bother a Fox News reporter who was having a back and forth with himself as though the cardboard Trump was answering his questions. “Sir, do you think Comey is the leaker?….So what I hear you saying is yes, you do.” “Sir, what will you do about the fake news outlets? Sounds like you may just revoke all their press credentials, except for Fox News. Great, thank you.”

Frustration boiled over at the lack of information from the paper-mache president.

When a reporter from Mother Jones stated emphatically, “Sir, the American people deserve answers!,” chaos ensued as the reporters began to unleash a barrage of tough questions like, “Are you going to fire Mueller?,” “Why did you call your own health care bill ‘mean’,?” and “How will you respond to further cyber attacks?”

During the frenzy of questions from reporters, Steve Bannon suddenly walked out from behind the curtain while holding a baseball bat, and proceeded to bust open the piñata, sending Mexican-brand sweets all over the press room. Reporters became immediately distracted and dove for the candy, as if it were the first thing of substance the White House had given them in months.

Respected journalists from all the around the country leapt over each other in an attempt to get some chocolate gold coins and tamarindo cups. CNN’s Jim Acosta was seen elbowing Breitbart’s Charlie Spiering for a mango lolipop, while long-time White House correspondent April Ryan feverishly collected all the Duvalin.

But it was Univision’s Jorge Ramos who came away with the biggest payday, using one of Trump piñata’s legs to hold all his candy, like a pro.

White House correspondents all walked away seemingly satisfied with Trump piñata’s first press briefing. ”Honestly, this wasn’t much different from a Sean Spicer briefing; actually it was much better because there was candy,” said an anonymous journalist while very carefully unwrapping a De La Rosa mazapan.

Jaime de Leon and Miguel Guevara contributed to this report.

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