Feature image by anyalogic

One of El Guapo’s favorite past times is to start random, booming chants of “USA!” in public spaces. Often, this patriotic act will be preceded and/or followed by things being set on fire.

This, after all, is what it means to be an American. (Setting things on fire, in addition to binge eating and napping, complete the ultranationalist trifecta.)

Fireworks, pick-up trucks, shrubs, and abandoned buildings are the objects most commonly  torched in flag-waving pride. (Only once was a living thing the target of this uncontrollable nationalistic fervor, but fortunately Mr. Whiskers and El Guapo are now on speaking terms.)

Additionally, true patriots might often become infected with jingo-istic Tourrets Syndrome in which we will angrily grunt things like “America, love it or leave it” to anyone who dares question the actions, motives, policies or geo-political relationships of the US or its elected officials. For the sake of variety, we might request that the critical, sacrilegious individual return to either A) his/her country of origin or B) whatever countries with which we are currently at war.

The 2012 Presidential campaigns are in full swing already, and things will only heat up as the sand in the hourglass trickles towards Armageddon (November 2011). As a result, El Guapo’s favorite drinking game is listening to the countless ways politicians out-patriot each other. Join me in throwing one back for every time the US is referenced as:

  • The greatest
  • Strongest
  • Most resourceful
  • Most compassionate
  • Sparkliest
  • Most intelligent
  • Best smelling
  • Most passionate
  • Best tasting
  • Least filling
  • Most favored by God
  • Noblest
  • Best lay
  • Most likely to succeed

So, imagine the shock when El Guapo learned that the US does not dominate the top spots in any crucial world stats. The US ranks:

  • 15th of 29 countries in literacy
  • Second to last among developed nations in childhood poverty
  • Ranks 64th in income disparity (the gap between rich and poor has quadrupled in 30 years)
  • 47th in infant survival
  • 2nd in out of pocket health expenses (oh, so close)
  • 2nd in CO2 emissions
  • 56th in Women’s pay
  • 27th in food security

Clearly, these unreliable studies were conducted by unAmerican heathens and terrorists hellbent on the destruction of the greatest country the sun has ever set on. I have a special foam finger for those detractors. USA! USA!

Your handsome and humble servant
-El Guapo 

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