In this great city of ours, the seasons change of their own accord. Blizzards and monsoon-like conditions do not wait for some ridiculous equinox to dispel the fury that is the Mid-Atlantic climate. That is why, although we are just in the midst of the season others call spring, we are beginning to experience the warm summer heat.

That being said, there are a number of things that you should throw out from the past summer and to purchase this spring to be ready for the real scorchers. They are as follows:

Switch from Metallic to Transparency

The metallic palette been beaten to fucking death by the versatility and move to neutrality it received post 2006. It now looks cheap and safe when once it was daring. Once the cunning is gone, there is not much left to hold on to besides a railing – one wrong angle and a whole crowd of tourists are blinded and toppling down. That might not be so bad but there could be a local or two trapped in there.

The sheer look is not just sexy, but the only time you can wear black and not feel completely hot all over. It’s a look that started making the rounds last year and is projected to come full circle in the coming months. This look should also be worn in over-sized cuts. Nothing is more unappealing than muffin tops with texture.

Switch from Platform Heels to Chunky Soles

Seriously, enough already. The last decade opened with a stiletto yet reverted back to the platform-like heel of the 70’s revisited. Not only are platforms done and dangerous, they aren’t even associated with the 90’s anymore.

That is why chunky flats, another staple of the 90’s, has made its way onto the feet of those in the know. Think Bjork or the Spice Girls. Not only do these dense shoes give you height, they also allow you to walk comfortably, or at least as comfortably as possible. Bottom line, the anti-fashion look is making a slight comeback, however without the ideology and full on meta-irony.

Switch from British Imperialist/Safari to Spaghetti Western

This look contributed to the move for making animal print neutral and although that is still the case, the whole head-to-toe khaki thing is boring. It was fresh and focused in the 00’s but it’s just gotten a bit too common, not to sound colonialist or anything.

Populist by definition, the Western look is not only a throwback to the early 90’s, but this look employs more indigenous qualities than that mentioned above. It wasn’t until Operation Neptune Spear that the tumbleweed got rolling. This look will define this year’s summer fashion – and that of about two more summers to come. Eventually the whole look, too, will die but in the mean time…

Switch from Flip flops to Sandals

Flip flops are not proper footwear. No way around it and honestly, just stop wearing the abominations and start wearing actual sandals. There are a lot of good options this year; you can even go the moccasin route. However, if you do need to wear flip flops, wear fancy ones and for God’s sake get a damn pedicure. And don’t sit next to me on the bus/train/beach/planet.

Switch from Linen/Seersucker to Mesh/Lace

Although the fabrics themselves are classic, they are a bit done. They are definitely your best bet to cover up and still be able to keep a tad bit dry but the look is kind of in the same vein as Safari. Although it is classic Americana, it’s more so of the south east and north east and that is the wrong direction to take this summer.

White lace for women and black mesh for men. You can choose whichever you want, but I suspect that’s the way that cookie shall crumble. When I say mesh, many straight men might think it’s gay but you shouldn’t be saying that anyway. Besides, I didn’t know heat stroke was the height of masculinity. Don’t be a bitch and shy away from showing a bit of skin. Trust me, no one gives a shit and I’m only trying to make vosotros comfortable. If I wanted to ogle at things I could never have, I’d go house-watching in Lincoln Park.

Switch from The Side Part to the Middle Part

The side part and side bangs, long a pejorative associated with the Hipster regime, was still regarded as the hair de riguer of those in the know and the fashion forward. However, it’s become so clandestine that it’s just become a McHairstyle.

It’s all about bipartisanship. The middle part, although rounding your face out, creates that heart-shaped desired face of the 70’s and 90’s. Not only is this look all forgiving but it is also modifiable, in which case everyone can get away with it, to differing degrees.

Remember, you can do whatever the hell you want. I’m the type of animal to shed my old skins and replace them with new ones but don’t worry, style is like the phoenix. It shall rise again. And ask you for your papers.

Don’t be a stranger, but do be stranger.

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