Waking up at 3 a.m. is difficult to do. As I halfheartedly switched the television on to watch the wedding, the coverage before and after was at best, annoying. I managed to keep it on E!, however I did look around at CBS, NBC, ABC, WGN, Univision, Telemundo and a bevy of American media that had covered their early morning schedule with the wedding of the Anglophilic century. As the sun came up, I grew more sincere and I was not in the best of minds, it was too early/late and my dog threw up (out of excitement or whatever she had gotten into- something tells me the two events were unrelated). Here is the rundown of what I think you should remember and what I wish we could forget:

The Bride Wore McQueen† and her Sister Wore… White?
The dress, that fecking dress! Finally it was revealed what we all knew already: Sarah Burton for Alexander McQueen† designed it and she looked amazing. The dress was okay, and patriotic. It had Carrickmacross lace and featured the individual outlines of the nations of the United Kingdom on it. What really made her appear so radiant was the authentic expression of elation and relief. They’ve been dating for nine years, after all. The choice to use Pippa, her sister, as maid of honor clad in white was a bit surprising but the dress she wore I preferred over the Duchess’s which was designed by Sarah Burton also.

And Not a Single Fuck was Given that Day
A meme has begun using the image of grumpy flower girl Grace Van Cutsem. There are several pictures of her, including one with the above bolded subtitle, in which she has her hands covering her ears from the noise and simply just not getting it. Some “people”!

Princess Beatrice’s… Hat?
Prince William’s cousins, Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie clearly harbored strong grudges against the corneas of those in attendance. They seemed to actively try and outdo the bride. Hats are more than relevant, but those are English weddings for you. Even Victoria Beckham toned it down. The worst part of these two, and of all their showboating, was the hat worn by Princess Beatrice.

I’m too Tory for my Hat
David Cameron’s wife Samantha Cameron opted to go without hat despite specific instructions that all female guests wear one. However, she did end up being second best dressed after Pippa Middleton.

Never been kissed twice
In contrast with his parent’s forced, awkward 20th century kiss and Prince Andrew and Sarah Ferguson’s balcony porn, the kiss shared by the Duke and Duchess on the balcony was proof. Although brief (they were borderline pecks), the two kisses showed a natural love that wasn’t being understated or overdone.

Shut Up, Sherri Shepherd
On The View the day after, the always cognitively electric Sherri Shepherd mused about the lack of black people. Now, it is true that there were a lack of African Britons in the guests and only two of the children in the choir but to equate an invitation to a wedding with the Civil Rights Movement is a bit much. She referenced Rosa Parks when it was shown that there were indeed black guests but they were basically all placed together in a bit of an enclave which is kind of ridiculous. However, the most American of the guests attending was a New Yorker. I make this statement reluctantly, but New York is the global city. It is the brochure. John Gunther comes to mind…

If the Ring Don’t Fit…
There was a bit of a hold-your-breath moment when the Prince tried to put the wedding band on Katherine’s finger and it wouldn’t fit. Finally with the use of gentle force the ring came on and all was saved. But there is still war and starvation going on so don’t exhale just yet.

Pippa Got Back
Many believe that the maid of honor might have stolen her sister’s thunder, unbeknownst to her. Her ass has got a Facebook page. You know you’ve arrived when people begin to create pages to archive separate body parts from your architecture.

Now that the wedding is over, I must say I’m spent. Those were only some of the bits I found interesting and noteworthy. If I missed anything, feel free to talk about it in the comments. What’s next for these two tax-exempted love birds? A honeymoon to either Jordan, Australia or Canada or last year or wherever royal money takes one. See you at the Royal Divorce!

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