No, this isn’t fiction. I’m not about to spin a tale of how my vagina got out of my pants, swelled up to monstrous proportions (because of, what else?—pleasure) and attacked Washington D.C. with wayward pubes. Although that would make for an awesome comic book series, sadly, the truth is much less awesome. Also, I can’t draw.

I’m about to talk about the near shut down of the government, the crisis we were in last week when the suits couldn’t come up with a budget. “But hey, sex column lady, why don’t you just stick to talking about blowjobs?” you may be asking yourself. Well, dear, let me break it to you: talking about pleasure in this country is a political act in and of itself. Wet clit, hard dick, doggy style…that’s my graffiti shouting out the politics of pleasure.

House Majority Leader John Boehner (you pronounce it BAY-ner, but go ahead and giggle. I know you were thinking about boners) and the far right held the budget hostage last week because they were trying to further their radical agenda by completely defunding Planned Parenthood. This was at a time of the year when not reaching a budget consensus would mean the government would be unable to make any payouts from the Federal Reserve. Yep, that’s right: the Tea Partiers wanted to shut down the government to make it harder for me to get a pap smear.

Sure, they tried to make the argument that they wanted to defund PP because they didn’t want federal money going to pay for abortions but there are already federal statutes that prevent any funding going to abortion services, specifically those that are not required because of health reasons or rape. They wanted to defund Planned Parenthood simply for providing abortion services at all, thus trying to limit your right to choose by making sure you can’t afford any other choice (I won’t even get into all the other legislative efforts at mandatory pregnancy “crisis” counseling or the attempt to redefine rape). It’s like the far right is a sleazy guy at the end of the bar who was trying to steal your wallet so you can’t afford a cab and will have to get a ride home with him.

I know, I know. Maybe some of you reading this ascribe to conservative ideals and you don’t appreciate me comparing anti-abortion efforts to date rape. The abortion debate is the most heated women’s health issue on record and especially if you’re Latina, like me, you were raised with some scary-ass Catholic notions of why sex is only for procreation. I’ve heard some people who think it’s wrong for men to masturbate because wasting semen is a form of abortion. I understand how deeply rooted anti-abortionist feelings can be and also how strange at times. I respect them the way I respect my anti-abortionist mother—which means I’m going to make fun of them a lot. Love you, Ma!

So here’s the hard truth: no one gets abortions for fun. There isn’t a group of feminists sitting around exchanging abortion glory stories at whatever Tea Partiers think the feminist version of tea parties might be. I realize that it’s difficult for other women to feel the same way about abortions—especially for women who are not able to have children of their own, but I have nothing but the utmost sense of support and compassion for the women who have had to make that decision. Furthermore, it’s their legal right.

Phew! See how easy it is to get side tracked by the whole abortion thing? That’s exactly why the government was almost shut down. That and because of my sweet, sweet vag.

One of the opponents of Planned Parenthood (and of my vagina), Senator Jon Kyl, deliberately lied about the organization, saying that 90% of what PP does is abortion related. He later said this was not intended to be a factual statement. Then why say it on the floor of Congress? Only 3% of what PP does is related to abortion—and despite very vocal slandering, it is not paid for with government funding. The majority of its other functions are related to STD and HIV testing, breast exams, and testing for cervical cancer. That’s right. Just because the far right doesn’t believe in abortion, they were ready to gut an organization that keeps many women who can’t afford insurance and gyno visits, myself included, from getting sick. This is despite the fact that 12,200 new cases of (highly preventable) cervical cancer were reported in 2010 including 4,210 deaths. I think it’s pretty safe to say that Senator Jon Kyl is against 90% of healthy vaginas—not intended to be a factual, blah, blah, blah.

So technically, it was my HEALTHY vagina that almost shut the government down. A pox be on plump labia and clits for enjoying pleasure! May pestilence punish cervixes for having hot sex! The same idea is, no doubt, behind why the FDA doesn’t ban carcinogens in sex toys (be careful to research fully what you are going to buy!). In the end of the budgetary debate, however, the anti-healthy vag forces had to abandon their attempts against Planned Parenthood whose funding was not cut. Maybe now they can focus on increasing federal funds by closing tax loopholes for corporations instead of thinking about what goes on in my panties.

I’m not the only one who notices how the government won’t keep its eyes on corporate titans because they’re distracted by lady parts. According to a MS blog post, it was Florida Democratic State Representative Scott Randolph who said “We constantly talk about not putting more regulations out there. Yet when it comes to my wife’s uterus, more regulations. When it comes to my friends’ bedrooms, more regulations.”  He is totally my hero for being such a badass! He was, however, censored for using the term “uterus.” Apparently, you can impose regulations on lady parts, but you can’t mention them.

If you can’t mention the word uterus, or vulva, or the word I’ve been saying throughout this article, vagina, maybe you can show them. No, I’m not gonna go expose myself to the ladies and gents of Capitol Hill with a speculum….although I’ll put that in my fantasy bank for later. But if the Republicans and Tea Partiers don’t stop trying to get into my vagina, and doing petty things like trying to shut down the government to have their way with me, I’m going to have to take drastic action. I will mount a protest—feel free to join me—where I will make a giant paper maché replica of my vag along with a scale model of the Washington Monument and mash the two together in a parody of sexual congress on the steps of Congress to show these fools exactly how ridiculous they’re being.

In the meantime, pap smears for all!!!

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