Feature photo by Robert S. Donovan

Honestly, I don’t know much about cars but I do like them as metaphors for sex. And I like having sex in them. So here we are, my darlings: we’re at the beginning of an article by yours truly all about riding in cars with boys. Or maybe it’s more like riding boys in cars. Maybe riding boys like cars. Hmmmm…

Penis Anxiety

It’s common gossip that men with fancy cars are trying to make up for what they lack in, ahem, other endowments. Maybe they are, maybe they aren’t. Can you blame them? Society generally makes men feel like their dicks don’t measure up. By society, I mean pressure from other guys, penis jokes in general, and porn. “Sure,” you could be saying, “that’s what they get for watching porn.”  But you know you watch porn too.

While it can be really hot with regards to fantasy, porn can hugely distort ideas of the male and female body. Just like women have huge knockers in almost every scene, men have ever erect and gargantuan dicks. Lack of sex education (in schools and in general, but I’ll leave that for another day and another column) can lead men to believe that these super-cock actors are within the range of average penis size and that they are sadly lacking by comparison. Furthermore, the (paid) moaning of actresses can make men associate large peen size with sexual potency. The poor bastards. Sure, they blew their load, but now their confidence and hap-penis quotient is low. Now the poor guys are just as vulnerable to buying into penis enlargement scams as some of us women are to thinking breast implants will make our lives better. Ah, glorious consumerism.

That’s right, gents—you’re not alone in your penis anxiety. Many other men don’t realize that what they’ve got under their hood is just right.

And those of you who ride boys—you’re not off the hook. Be sure not to aggravate penis anxiety by comparing your current lover to someone you’ve ridden before. That will bring your love life to a crashing halt. You don’t have to lie to the guy. There is no need for clichés about the motion of the ocean or whatever car-related folksy saying one can think of–I don’t know, something about hydraulics. By all means, I encourage honesty. Just make sure that you know every make and model of man has their perks and their flaws. Show you appreciate the current man who makes your heart and body go vrrrroooom.

The Dealership

Having worked at a sex toy store, I learned a lot about men and their penises. We even sold penises of a sort—by which I mean dildos. I happen to know that there is a market for every size imaginable. Yes, from the smallest to the largest, if you have it, we want it.  Some customers—male and female—would walk out cooing about how perfect the smaller models they walked out with were. Others would leave promising to be back for the Cadillac sized dicks like VixSkin’s Outlaw. And many of us, just like Goldilocks, opted for the medium sized dildos that fell within average penis size. Here at Penis World, “Consumer habits can’t be wrong—and neither is the size of your dong!” I didn’t really work at a place called Penis World. I just thought this article could use a jingle.

Some Fully Loaded Tips Straight off the Lot:

  • A number of women express trouble handling the size of their mate’s mammoth member. Start off with a vibrating toy to help with arousal (see more on cockrings in a future Unzipped article). Add lube and a large dildo to “practice” for penetration.
  • Many men are noticeably intimidated by the size of some dildos and vibrators. Penis anxiety can very much hold you back from trying new tricks and toys in bed if you let it. Don’t be a wimp.
  • It can be difficult to find a masturbator sleeve for larger than average customers. Try Tenga cups in Ultra size.
  • Anal sex may be intimidating for partners of the well endowed. I suggest more lube and lots of prep work. Try an anal plug or anal vibrator to relax. Look for plugs like Fuze that have holes to accommodate vibrating bullets.
  • If you’re large, you have to be careful how you steer that thing. Everyone has their own preferences with regards to how deeply and quickly they can or want to be penetrated. Fattening them up so they are “thicker” and can take more is not a solution—it does not affect the size of one’s vagina or rectum (yes, this actually comes up). Be patient and head back to our first bullet point.
  • A huge dick does not make you instantly into a good lover. You should still warm up with some foreplay.
  • More on penetration: different positions will give you differing levels of depth. Doggy style and missionary with legs raised can give you deeper access. If you are huge, these positions may be slightly painful. Check with your partner if these are the right positions for you.
  • Smaller to average dildos and members are surprisingly good at stimulating the G-spot and prostate. Betcha didn’t think of that!
  • Curved members and toys are also excellent for G-spot and prostate sensations so there’s no reason to feel self-conscious if you tend to drift to the left or right, fellas.
  • Your dick already comes equipped with a hanging pair of fluffy dice. If you want to accessorize, I suggest Innervibe Vibrating Duet cockrings! Forget about all those penis enhancement scams. Cockrings are the sure way to help you feel harder, bigger, more sensitive, and last longer and the ones that vibrate may just be the best way to get your partner going.
  • Give as much care and maintenance to your dick as you do to your car. Make sure you are sleeping enough, getting enough water, eating healthy foods, and getting regular cardio exercise. If you don’t care about your health in general, maybe you’ll care about the fact that problems with cholesterol, blood pressure, and diabetes can also cause you problems with erectile dysfunction. If you want your jimmy to work, you have to work out for your jimmy. Get your head out of the Lowrider magazine for a minute and pick up a copy of Men’s Health. Your dick will thank you later.
  • More on maintenance: Don’t put anything in your body unless you know it’s carcinogen free (silicone is the safest material) and STD free. Get thee to your doctor or your local Planned Parenthood for your yearly tune up (by the way, all those “controversial videos” you may have heard about were edited to alter content).

Exit Ramp

The perfect ride is out there for each of us. In the great cultural debate of whether size matters or not, let me add my road tested wisdom. Thinking that your guy’s dick is perfect and turning to mush at the mere sight of it should be just one of the MANY things you appreciate about him. And fellas, take it from this self-appointed connoisseur—whether you have a mini coupe or a stretch limo in your garage, there is always something to appreciate. As long as you’re not a jerk. If you are there’s no way in hell I’m getting in the passenger’s seat—or the backseat for that matter.

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