Feature photo by Jakob Montrasio

Attempting to find a 15 day forecast, I stumbled upon one that suggested that the 31st will be a bit wet. Not so much a torrential downpour, but a moisture in the air nonetheless with an estimated low of 35° F and a high of 47° F. If you’re preparing to brave those odds with a costume whose measurements would indicate that it was originally intended for a child, good luck to you. I’m not going to tell you what to do. But I will judge you.

Women, modern Halloween and slutiness go hand in hand- which is completely sexist. Men, the only way to correct this wrong is for us to engage in the trend and slut it up for the ladies and the fellas. Many Skirts (my word for silly women) might regard this as gross. Their shrilling, text message voices commenting on how gay and gross that is. Well, newsflash honey: nobody really wants to see your thighs busting through a pair of nylon stockings. Halloween makes me brontophobic with the mere suggestion of these thunder limbs struggling for breath under sheathes of lycra bondage.

My point is, if you don’t look absolutely perfect in your own attempt at sexiness, don’t talk shit about others who are having the same situation. Frankly, that delta fold that is created when wearing too tight of a bustier happens to all of you and if X Bitch said something about Y Bitch’s body looking like years of beer and late night Mexican food encased in an elastic tube, then I wouldn’t even be able to point you out in a lineup.

I think it’s important to pin down what exactly I’m trying to say. There is a time to be sexy and there is a time to be cautious of the elements and, as I often say, fashion can be both. You can wear tight clothing but just be sure blood is able to circulate throughout your body. It’s dangerous thing to wear stuff that you’re not immediately comfortable in because you could seriously hurt yourself. Moral of the story is to be careful: there’s nothing sexy about medical bills and emergency room trips.

Indeed, Halloween is a time to have fun; adult fun, at that. However, sexiness isn’t just about showing skin. In fact, a sense of humor is about as sexy as any push up bra or bulging bicep, and should be treated with the same reverence as showing your ass to half the city in the cold and drunk obscurity which typifies that night. Think of internet memes, famous-for-nothing-pseudo-celebrities, political statements, ridiculous politicians…the list goes on an on and even though my list looks like the A.V. Club’s would, but relevancy is key. Tiger Wood’s mistresses would work, but that’s just too easy and (let’s face it) probably wouldn’t differ too much from the everyday wear of the people who would choose that particular costume.

Now couples costumes… cute, I guess. Can you feel my lack of enthusiasm? Now, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t do it and, in fact, it is pretty cute among couples who are my friends mainly because they are my friends.

I must of course mention, yet again, my gold mine: the thrift store. Nowhere else are you going to find inspiration and a bargain in one place. You could be a Barbarosa, Barbara Bush or a Barbara Boxer. At the end of the day, you want for your friends to be able to point you out in a crowd of fancy dress for the creativity and relevance not for the wardrobe malfunction. There is a lot to deal with when it comes to dressing up as something. You want people to get the joke and not be the joke.

Be forewarned not to get too drunk this evening. The only thing worse than a bad costume is a costume that has spilled beer and puke all over it. Also, for the full-on makeup wearers, good on you! Try not to sweat too much as the only thing worse than streaky face is staining your hostess’ couch.

I suppose the best advice for you trick or drinkers is to theater it up. Act out your fantasies and dress like a tosser. Do as you see fit because at the end of the night, much like the days before taxes and torrents, you’re tummy will ache. Happy Halloween.

Until next time (meaning next Thursday): Don’t be a stranger, but do be stranger

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