Feature photo by mugley

Manners are the foundation of a functioning society. And although being naked and horny can bring out the most powerful of your animal urges, manners still count in the bedroom. Just like eating with the right fork or raising your pinky when you drink tea, there are certain rules for good anal sex (like not using a fork as a sex toy and using your pinky to test a response to anal stimulation).

Everyone has a butt. Gay, straight, male, female, trans, etc. We all have anuses and, therefore, can all benefit from anal play. We tend to hold our tension in our rectum and relaxing and massaging the area can actually be awesome for our colorectal health. However, the anus is also the site of complex emotions like shame about our bodies so talking about anal play first is just good protocol. And believe me, people are going to notice something being put in their ass, so it’s just polite manners to ask first.

Bad anal experiences can ruin the joy of booty sex for someone (truly a tragedy) so follow these simple rules for a happy ass.

1. Anal sex isn’t just for straight girls and gay men.
It has nothing to do with your sexuality or who has a penis. Dildos can be used by women during lesbian or straight sex to penetrate their partners’ rectums. Hell, grab a dildo and try it on yourself so that you can get an idea of what sensations you’ll be giving your partner. It’s only fair. The G-spot and prostate can both be stimulated anally, so it can be equally fun for partners of different genders. And strap on sex between heterosexual couples is growing increasingly popular. For more ideas see “The Bend-over Boyfriend,” which will totally put doing a guy in the butt on your to do list.

2. Porn is NOT a good way to learn Sex Ed.
Except for instructional videos, movies don’t usually show the prep work that goes into getting a butt ready for love making. The doer has to fully relax and stimulate the doee first. It might take a really long time before the doee is ready for penetration. Anal plugs are a good way of stretching the anus during foreplay, but you don’t usually see them in use in the movies. Not even the pretty jeweled ones! Always make sure any toy you use anally has a large base so it doesn’t get lost in your butt! That would be a very awkward visit to the ER. Anyway, you don’t see the moments of slow warm up penetration either— just the crazy fast scenes at the height of anal sex. That is definitely not the way you want to start off. And you don’t see the incredible amount of lube that needs to be used for the doee’s comfort. In fact, if anyone ever tries to have butt sex with you without lube, I hope their genitals fall off.

3. Anal sex can be hygienic.
It doesn’t have to be messy. If you’re squeamish about hygiene, use an anal douche a few hours before sex to make sure your bowels are tidy. And also use black condoms on your partner or your toys instead of light colored ones if the idea of accidentally catching sight of anything slightly messy would ruin your night. Furthermore, lube shooters are a good way to make sure the lube is applied directly to the rectum without spilling on sheets.

4. Anal sex should be pain free.
It won’t hurt if you’re doing it right. Making someone bleed is not a good sign. Gentleness is key. Take it slow. The person who is on the receiving end needs to be in control of the speed and depth of penetration. You shouldn’t try to take command and be an assmaster. Good anal sex requires trust. Once they are comfortable and give you the okay, then you can begin thrusting. And if they say you or the dildo are too big to fit, take it as a compliment and graciously accept their boundaries.

As your friendly neighborhood sex advice columnist, I would totally be embarrassed if you went out there and engaged in some ass play rudeness. Don’t be the guy who turns doggy style into an opportunity to ram it up the poop shoot without permission. And don’t be the girl who gets creative with produce and loses a carrot inside someone. Now here’s your diploma. Go stick it up someone’s butt.

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