Photography by Vogue Magazine

First the good:

Dior is doing something for once! They’ve styled their ad campaign as a sort of a looser Gibson Girlesque theme which I quite like but I often find John Galliano to be such a pill. Ralph Lauren has been stepping up their game for a few years now and I really like where there going with it- brown florals and phrygian-like cap. However, the model they’ve been using since forever is getting to be a bit stale. I really like Gucci right now. It seems like a ’70s spy movie with it’s tight white slacks and brown blazer over darker brown turtleneck and thigh high brown boots and fur vest. Unfortunately, I don’t think it’s faux. Dolce & Gabbana insist on using Madonna, yet again, however it works for the type. The dress and cross she wears are phenomenal and the expression of sorrow as she clutches at her breast holding onto the arm of a teenage looking boy is a bit Fellini-meets-Brooklyn which is alright in my book.

May I just say long live Stefano Pilati? Yves Saint Laurent never seizes to amaze me and this year he’s just done it again. He must be a witch. Albeit, fine, but a witch nonetheless. Miu Miu is significantly better than Prada this season. They’re normally tied. The only thing that upsets me are the bows… absolutely no reason for them. DKNY really brought an adult glamor this year. Rather than stuffy, it remained fresh in shades of deep chocolate brown. I liked Michael Kors and the pieces featured in the ad and the ad itself… however, I’ve never seen an autumnal scene look so orange. It was like these two models were walking on Conan O‘Brien’s head. I don’t think the world’s ever seen skies like that, at least not since the little ice age. Oscar de la Renta’s jacket was pretty severe in a good way but I’m pretty sure the tassels on the shoes were too much. Donna Karan looked spectacular celebrating their 25th anniversary with the slogan “For a Woman by a Woman.” Those are two rich ass broads. Céline… simply put: masturbatory. As was (and for some reason always is) Max Mara who used a model also used by Tom Ford and Valentino whose haircut I guess… they really, really like. Moschino was my favorite by far. They were so totally early ’90s it’s like the art director hired a freaking time machine. The pilgrim/pirate look with gold rings and embellishments against black and white were terrific. Who knew they’d come back? Escada had a wonderful velvet gown in a decadent and heavy purple but the other two looks were kind of tired. Calvin Klein has never really left simplicity but now it’s become fresh again. And boy is it simple. Minimalism never looked cooler, because it hadn’t been for around ten years. I don’t think I recall hearing about Eileen Fisher, Rebecca Moses or Isabel Marant but I‘m glad I have this time around. At Etro they’re doing kimonos… expect an Indumentarian based on this for New Years- just thought I should let you loyal readers know!

Dear Tod’s: I commend you for finally retiring Gwyneth Paltrow. Now furnish me with the appropriate fine leather goods and leave the room please. Balenciaga I love, however they have a weird furry lifesaver thing going on with poofy/strappy beige winter coats. I really hope it’s detachable. I understand St. John is for ladies of a higher pedigree, who are more mature and who lunch but… I like it. And the model they’ve used actually has some curves. Unlike Angelina “the space between one block of concrete and the other block” Jolie. Jil Sander was inspired, simply put. As always, the ad resembles the clothes: sleek, modern and lithe. Tom Ford is always cheeky. I liked the ad and him as a person and a… man. Why, oh why must I look like a male this? Chloé, as always, fails to disappoint. Then there is Glory Chen who I’m not immediately familiar with but whose shoes were brilliant. Finally, Versace brought sex to the autumnal equinox in body con mixed with asymmetrical hemlines in a black and white spread that looked very modern.

Now the bad and the ugly:

Prada is really letting me down this season. It just seems like something they’ve done before and the black and red leather bag seems very out of place. I’m only going to say this once Fendi: Get a new F-ing print. Hermès resembled a bondage Sherlock Holmes which even in the best of times could come off as cosplay. I might wear it, but I don’t see anyone else daring to. My head’s too big for the hat though.

What the hell, Chanel? Are you taking Juggalettes as clients now (jump to no.7)? I don’t even understand. I like the fringe jacket though. Bottega Veneta had some great looks for when you’re retaining water\. However, I did like a suit of theirs that was in last month’s spread. Burberry actually did alright despite the fact that they are the current kings (above Marc Jacobs) when it comes to phoning it in. Also, their models look terrifying. Stop employing lanky British models who look like extras from Dr. Who! Thank your god they got rid of Emma Watson… at least they gave me that. Marc Jacobs ceases to surprise me as he phones it in once again. However, if it isn’t broken I guess you don’t have to fix it but gee whiz, dude… take some risks once in a while. You wear kilts for god sakes and have a Spongebob tattoo- live up to it. Diane von Furstenburg’s ad looked less like an ad and more like a photograph. There doesn’t seem to be a lot binding the collection and those suede boots are an abortion. Hudson Jeans featured the most gap-toothed model they could find with her mouth open in two pictures that were so dark I couldn’t even see the jeans. Absolutely ridiculous.

Nicole Miller presents a very uninspired look that, while not bad is just in the same vein as Marc Jacobs: phoning it in. Moving on with Dooney & Burke, whose bags you can find four years ago at Dooney & Burke. Juicy Couture, Ports… enough said. Tiffany & Co. now caters to prostitutes apparently as they are excited to feature a light blue snakeskin purse. Alberta Ferretti and Piazza Sempione– there’s nothing new to see here however, it works in certain doses. Unfortunately, none of them were present. The Carolina Herrera dress that she picked to be in the ad was alright save for the fact that it had wizard sleeves. Valentino was very… neo ’60s. Whether that’s a good or bad thing, is your call. Hugo Boss should not have used Natalia Vodianova as their model. The clothes just weren’t her. I’ve never really been a fan of Jimmy Choo. Especially this misguided attempt and sorry excuse for an ad campaign. Tommy Hilfiger is now embracing the douche bag in us all. Oh and, by the way, you’re not fooling anyone with your two black friends in the back who fail to make a second appearance in the other seven pages of your ten page spread.

Salvatore Ferragamo… I don’t care about you but Stella Tenant looked great. Bebe. I know you’re not a designer but I thought you might want to read this article I wrote a few months ago. Now stop it. Kate Moss for Longchamp… I couldn’t disagree with you more. I know I might get stoned to death for saying this but I never understood Kate Moss’s appeal. Roberto Cavalli is celebrating 40 years of the same clothes. Derek Lam I’m still not sure about. The ad looks like a Polaroid from the costume designer at The Brady Bunch. Lanvin knows better. What the hell? You, too, with the furry boots?! GOD! Fred Krakoff, don’t make Stella Tenant wear furry strappy heels. What is going on the season? And finally, back from a grave marked 2008, Balmain used Kate Moss, presumably after a bender. The leather pants were a nice addition but the gold lamé blazer and tired ass sequin top has got to go.

Don’t be a stranger, but do be stranger.

Share this! (You know you want to.)

Got something to say? Say it loud!