Dr. Scrivener is a career coach, life strategist, educator, motivational speaker, certified personal trainer, advocate for recovering addicts, alternative healer, crisis manager for at-risk youth, interior designer, sexpert, environmentalist, award-winning children’s book author, minister, transgendered straight-identifying LGBTQI rights activist, wig-maker for cancer survivors, marathon-runner, clairvoyant, three-time competitive chicken nugget eating contest champion, singer/song writer who holds a PhD in Keeping It Real. Do you have issues weighing you down? Are you in need of help? Did you know 99.9999% of America does not care about your problems? Well, Dr. Scrivener does! He is here to to give you real advice to the real-world problems that are really bothering you. For real. No question is too personal or beyond the realm of his expertise. Submit your question today for a chance to be featured in next week’s column.

Dear Dr. Scrivener,
I recently broke up with my boyfriend after he started a fire in the park. Seems like I only have eyes for bad boys, or mainly, mad boys. How do I stop attracting crazies?
Not Using Tired Social Outlets

The psychology of attraction and liking is very complex. Anecdotally, people say that opposites attract, but really, that’s not true. People attract and are attracted to people who are like them. This has been studied empirically and demonstrated to be true. To put it another way, this means you are Crazytown, too. Unless you are prepared to dig deep into your psyche and figure out your own problems I say embrace it. OWN IT! Go find some loon and make crazy bananas beautiful music together. It’s your destiny.
-Dr. Scrivener

Dear Dr. Scrivener,
My problem is i think my feet sweat too much. I need them to stop. Any advice? Is it my shoes?
Thank you in advance,
Mr. F

Dear Mr. Footsweat,
Old, wet, clammy, grimy, nasty, sweaty feet are a real problem in today’s fast-paced, youth-oriented society. It very well may be your shoes. I believe shoes are overrated and suggest you try walking around barefoot. Hey, it was good enough for Jesus. If that doesn’t help, there are other treatments you can pursue, including and not limited to: daily foot soaks in black tea, foot sweat gland removal and total foot amputation. Until you decide on the best treatment, you should lock yourself away in a dark, dry room away from normal society. Going out and socializing while you have a foot sweat problem is only going to make you feel bad about yourself so you should just use this time to be alone and reflect on how the fates have cursed you with this intolerable physical problem that the vast majority of people will never know you have.
-Dr. Scrivener

Dear Dr. Scrivener,
My grandmother recently gave me a red polka dotted sweater as a birthday gift. It is hideous. I have been having recurrent nightmares about it. I love my Granny and she usually gives me lame gifts, but I have never felt so negatively about any gift she has given me. What is wrong with me?
Respectfully submitted,
Ungrateful Grandchild

Dear UG,
What you are suffering from is known as Polkaphobia. Your Polkaphobia is most likely a vestige of a traumatic childhood experience; perhaps one involving chicken pox, dodgeball or confusing maps. An alternative explanation is that you are a racist. Racist against polka dots. You must let the hate out of your heart to be set free. Now, go put on that sweater, call your Grandma and tell her you love her.
-Dr. Scrivener

Please submit your questions to [DrScrivener@gozamos.com] or on Twitter [@DrScrivener] and Dr. Scrivener will do his best to answer them. Questions will be answered weekly!

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