Keeping it Real with Dr. Scrivener – Episode III

Dr. Scrivener is a career coach, life strategist, educator, motivational speaker, certified personal trainer, advocate for recovering addicts, alternative healer, crisis manager for at-risk youth, interior designer, sexpert, environmentalist, award-inning childrens’ book author, minister, transgendered straight-identifying queer rights activist, wig-maker for cancer survivors, marathon-runner, clairvoyant, three-time competitive chicken nugget eating contest champion, singer/song writer who holds a PhD in Keeping It Real.  Do you have issues weighing you down? Are you in need of help? Did you know 99.9999% of America does not care about your problems? Well, Dr. Scrivener does! He is here to to give you real advice to the real-world problems that are really bothering you. For real. No question is too personal or beyond the realm of his expertise. Submit your question today for a chance to be featured in next week’s column.

Dear Dr. Scrivener,

I have been unemployed for a little over a year. I keep applying and applying and nothing. I am completely broke. I have been evicted and have been couch-surfing for months. I don’t want to be a burden on my friends or family but I need their help. I have been having a hard time getting back on my feet. Lately, I have stopped trying. I wake up at noon and watch daytime TV. I feel like I can’t do this much longer. How can I turn my life around?

Broke as Hell

Dear BAH,

Many people are in your situation. These are tough economic times, indeed. It can be extremely difficult to go from being self-sufficient to having to rely on others. After a year of trying, you probably have exhausted all options and feel beaten down. There is a solution to your problems though, albeit controversial: incarceration. Before you dismiss this, just think about it: you won’t have to think about money and rent or paying bills, the prison guards–or possibly inmates–will wake you up bright and early everyday (giving you the much needed structure you require), and most importantly, you will more than likely be prevented from watching daytime TV, which, today, is really some of the worst programming that has ever existed. You will even be able to pursue an education or get vocational training–free of charge of course. Just something to think about. It is not for everyone. Consult with your family and loved ones first.

-Dr. Scrivener

Dear Dr. Scrivener,

I am a 16 year old girl and have a HUGE crush on the girl next door. I heard rumors that she goes both ways. She’s always nice to me and I think she likes me but I don’t know for sure really. I want to ask her out or something. Should I? How can I find out if she’s into me? What if the rumors aren’t true and she doesn’t even like girls? Help me, doc.


Dear Crushing,

Your situation reminds me of my own teenage lesbianism. From personal experience, I can tell you that most teenage girls are into girls. So, don’t worry about those “rumors” being true or not and just go for it. Get in there! Sure you run the risk of rejection, mockery, and being outted if you are not already but it will be good training for you as there will be plenty more ambiguity and mental anguish in your future if you continue to crush on and pursue women who may not be “card-carrying members of your exclusive bookclub,” if you get what I’m saying. So, try asking her out on a date. It might work. Or, go in for a sloppy, uncoordinated kiss if the opportunity presents itself. If that doesn’t work, go find your people and start the whole process of setting yourself up for rejection all over again. At least other lesbians who reject you will be rejecting you for who you are as a person and not because you they do not share the same orientation as you. It’s only that brand of soul-crushing honesty that will get you through your fear of rejection. Good luck, kid. Happy Pride!

-Dr. Scrivener

Dear Dr. Scrivener,

I have been feeling kind of low lately. I have been very stressed at work and usually work 16-18 hour days, six days a week, sometimes seven. When I come home, the first thing I want to do is have a drink–or seven. My husband thinks my drinking is becoming a problem but I don’t think it is. I enjoy drinking. Is drinking on a daily basis a sign of a problem? Is my husband right? What should I do?


Dear Drinkin’,

It is well known that the first step to recovery is acknowledging you have a problem. Therefore, the first step to remaining a functional alcoholic–as you sound like you are–is to never acknowledge you have a problem. Drinking six or more drinks on a daily basis is only a problem if you think it is. It doesn’t matter what your loved ones say, or what your doctor tells you, or what your face looks like in the mirror. Once you have taken the first step of admitting you have no problem, you must enlist the help of your family and friends. If your husband doesn’t want to drink with you, you should probably start looking for someone who gets you. Your marriage to your current husband probably won’t last long. I suggest you look for your new mate in a bar, wine tasting or liquor store. A family that can unite around the power of drink is unstoppable, unless you are driving, then you will most likely get stopped and charged with a DUI. All the more reason to have supportive alcoholics around you, as that can be a very stressful experience. So, what are you waiting for, drop that loser and get you a boozer. Cheers!

-Dr. Scrivener

Please submit your questions to or tweet them to @DrScrivener and Dr. Scrivener will do his best to answer them. Questions will be answered weekly!

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