Dr. Scrivener is a career coach, life strategist, educator, motivational speaker, certified personal trainer, advocate for recovering addicts, alternative healer, crisis manager for at-risk youth, interior designer, sexpert, environmentalist, award-inning childrens’ book author, minister, transgendered straight-identifying LGBTQI rights activist, wig-maker for cancer survivors, marathon-runner, clairvoyant, three-time competitive chicken nugget eating contest champion, singer/song writer who holds a PhD in Keeping It Real. Do you have issues weighing you down? Are you in need of help? Did you know 99.9999% of America does not care about your problems? Well, Dr. Scrivener does! He is here to to give you real advice to the real-world problems that are really bothering you. For real. No question is too personal or beyond the realm of his expertise. Submit your question today for a chance to be featured in next week’s column.

Dear Dr. Scrivener,
How do you feel about parents and social networking sites? I just got a friend request from the father of someone I went to high school with over 10 years ago. I don’t think I’ve ever met him! Shouldn’t parents be friends with their own friends? Can’t we have a Facebook divide?
Parental Advisory Warning

Dear PAW,
In this hectic world of ours, we don’t have nearly enough time to interact with our loved ones. Social networking sites have done wonders to keep us connected. That being said, there are some people with whom we should never reconnect–or connect with in the first place, in your case. Parents should only be friends with their own, aging, tired friends. Children should only be friends with their parents if they have two FB accounts. Methinks this friend’s father of yours has a thing for his son’s friends. He probably sat there all this time, with his son’s high school year book, creepily crossing days off a secret calendar, until you were old enough to understand the undeniably powerful allure of some dusty, old-timey cyberstalker clicking all up in your pages with his arthritic hand. Ignore that request. Use the block feature if necessary, that’s what it’s for.
-Dr. Scrivener

Dear Dr. Scrivener,
I have quite a problem. I am 18 years old and never been kissed. The more I like a boy, the more nervous I am around him, to the point where it takes me some time until I can look him in the eye. Coupled with this is a constant and deep sense ugliness, low self-esteem, and dissatisfaction with who I am. When a boy that I like isn’t interested in me, this sense overwhelms so much that I don’t want to walk outside and show my face to anyone. No matter what anyone tells me to make me feel better, I don’t believe them. Only the boy’s words are valid enough to make me feel beautiful. What can I do?
Helplessly Blue

Dear Blue,
You are not alone. Every single human being has some sort of self-esteem/intimacy/body/sex issue to haul around with them for the whole of their sorry life. If you are one of the lucky ones, you will have only one or two minor ones that can be easily offset with booze, pills or the proper lighting. (If going the pill route, use downers and not stimulants. Those will just amplify your perceived inadequacies, or make you sweaty and agitated or all three–any of which is just really not cute.) If you feel a deep sense of ugliness and dissatisfaction with yourself, it’s because it’s true. Human beings are despicable creatures with despicable habits. I mean, just look at the mess you created in your head and are wallowing in now. That’s your proof. But, you should take comfort in knowing you are right: everyone is hideous if you look close enough. You say only someone else’s words can make you feel better. You are not the only one who feels this way, most people are like you: they do not know how to think about things, they do not have strength in their own convictions and they look to others for cues on how they should be thinking. They follow the authority of those around them. Use this to your advantage. Show a little leg and some cleave and start walking around like you are God’s gift to the world. Believe this to be so and others will too. When the guys inevitably try to talk to you, treat them like shit and ignore them for a while, it will make them sweat you harder. Then you will have them eating out… of the palm of your hand.
-Dr. Scrivener

Dear Dr. Scrivener,
I struggle with insomnia. Ever since I was little I have had problems sleeping but for the past few months it’s been really bad. I have tried many things but nothing really seems to work long term. What can you suggest for someone like me?

Dear Sleepyface,
Insomnia is a serious disorder that affects millions of Americans. I too have struggled with insomnia for many years and can relate completely. Care should be taken to employ behavioral modifications as a first line of defense: turn off all electronics 1-2 hours before bedtime, avoid caffeine, make sure to get proper nutrition and exercise daily. Some suggest reading before bed as a way to relax and clear your mind. If you cannot make these changes because you lack the basic ability to manage the most simple things in your life, well, you deserve to be sitting there tired and cranky, looking all kinds of crazy with your bloodshot eyes. Insomnia is probably the least of your problems. To be fair, it may not be simple laziness preventing you from fixing your insomnia problem. You are probably suffering from some other more serious disorder of which insomnia is a symptom–like depression, ADHD or an anxiety disorder. Again, insomnia is the least of your problems. If you fit into this latter category, you should use the extra hours in your day gained by not sleeping to try reading medical and psychological journals on how difficult life is going to become for you as your sink deeper into your depression, ADHD or anxiety disorder. Who knows, you may find the answers you are looking for–or the right reading material to make you fall asleep.
-Dr. Scrivener

Please submit your questions to DrScrivener@gozamos.com or tweet them to @DrScrivener and Dr. Scrivener will do his best to answer them. Questions will be answered weekly!

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