I must admit that I wasn’t very excited about the Fifty Shades of Grey movie when it was first announced. I had tried to read the books because I was working at a sex toy store at the time and women were coming in comparing all the bondage stuff to the novels.

“Ohmigod, it’s just like Fifty Shades of Grey,” parades of women would say while giggling and picking up leather floggers. Sometimes they’d smack each other on the butt and feel like bad girls. “Ohmigod, you’re so bad” I’d say for the tenth time that day and giggle with them. People were getting into bondage – good for them! I didn’t have to dust the floggers anymore.

I tried to read Fifty Shades, but couldn’t. I stopped about thirty pages in – right after Anastasia had said “I convulsed” so much during a sex scene that it just sounded unpleasant. Girl, if you are convulsing that much, get thee to a hospital. Damn. But it DID make me wonder if anyone’s dick would ever be good enough to inflict neurological conditions on me.

The contract was a boner shrinker for me, though. As someone who is turned on by consensual BDSM, I like to have a say in what my boundaries are.

I don’t find Christian Grey attractive as a character. But Jamie Dornan could get it. He could get it all.

I saw his butt while watching “The Fall” on Netflix and it was glorious. Such man curves!

Sure, I felt creepy checking him out because he was playing a serial killer. He looked really hot running up the sides of buildings and into windows. I feel very conflicted about what I just wrote. I’m not proud of myself, but a butt like that could definitely lure me to my death.

All that being said, watching Fifty Shades of Grey is being put out there as this great Valentine’s Day date idea. Its great marketing. But, outside of the bad chemistry between Dornan and Dakota What’s Her Face, I can only imagine the damage it will do.

These eyes of mine have seen Jamie Dornan’s butt on film. Your relationship might not survive it.

Do you really want to have to hide how much you’re staring from your partner? On Valentine’s Day? Hereafter known as Jamie Dornan’s Butt Day?

If your partner’s not jealous and you can appreciate the Helen of Troy of butts together, I salute you. Otherwise, I recommend watching this film alone – or in packs of people you are not currently boning.

The other way this movie could ruin Valentine’s Day, besides the bad ideas it could give people about how romance works, is if people who have never done BDSM go home and hurt themselves. Motherfuckers could end up in the hospital.

You’ve been warned about the butt that launched a thousand vibrators, so I should probably also warn you about how to keep from having bad Fifty Shades-induced BDSM sex.

1. Talk about what your limits are before you’re horny (or drunk). When you are already aroused, your threshold for pain increases and you will think you can take more than you can actually handle. You won’t thank your partner when it’s too hard to sit down the next day.

2. Watch out for how tight any knots you tie are. Sure, you might be fantasizing about tying your partner up so that they can’t get away, but cutting off the circulation to any part of their body is dangerous. Make sure any cuffs or rope you use has a bit of slack around the knots so that your partner can move (or strain against them) comfortably.

3. Anything that you put in your own butt or a partner’s butt should have a flared base so that it won’t get shoved all the way up and lost. And use lube!

4. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, USE LUBE!

5. Listen to your partner if they tell you they have reached their limit. If you use a safe word, listen for it. If you don’t, then stop when they say stop.

6. Don’t feel like you have to push yourself past your endurance point because your partner seems really turned on. It’s supposed to be enjoyable for you as well. BDSM should only be painful if you want it to be. If your partner is spanking, flogging, or otherwise doing something that feels like it hurts too much, you should say something so that you stay safe. It’s always okay to say no.

7. If you are enjoying yourself but feel momentarily overwhelmed, you can always take a break, so don’t push yourself too hard or allow your partner to push you too hard.

8. There are plenty of ways to explore BDSM that don’t involve pain at all. BDSM is about letting go and letting someone else be in control – or taking control. It’s also a way to receive plenty of attention as a submissive. Try asking your partner to tie you up, blindfold you, and go down on you and just give in.

And remember, the eroticism of Fifty Shades centers on an inexperienced partner being initiated into a world of sensations they have never felt before. A partner who knows exactly what to do in bed is a very alluring fantasy, of course. But most of us are human and can’t read our partner’s minds. So it might feel like it’s ruining the fantasy for you to tell a partner what you like, but it’s the best way to have your fantasies come true. Be safe and Happy Jamie Dornan’s Butt Day!

[Photo: Flickr/smplstc]

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