January 23rd, 2014 – Washington D.C.

Protesters from the right wing militia group “Beliebers 4 Justice” gathered at the Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) headquarters in Washington D.C. this morning to air their grievances per rumors of the possible deportation of Canadian pop singer Justin Bieber, after he was arrested earlier this morning for allegedly driving under the influence of a controlled substance, known on the street as “Syrup.” When asked for comments, group spokeswoman Melissa Weiss stated, “Don’t take Justin Bieber away from us. Take our gardener instead!” She then stated, “I’m going to report my teacher. He’s brown, and I heard him speaking Mexican.”

While the arrest is the latest incident in legal troubles for the Canadian crooner, Bieber’s brushes with the law are not only limited to U.S. soil. In Colombia, Bieber was escorted for his protection by Bogota police after he defaced public property with “graffiti,” the same crime that police killed a local artist for allegedly committing.

Beliebers 4 Justice state that Bieber’s graffiti was just artistic expression and it’s covered by the 1st Amendment of the U.S. Constitution. They continued to assert that everything Justin Bieber does is artistic expression because he is “so cute and dances so cool.”

Opponents of Beliebers 4 Justice claim that Justin Bieber is a menace to society — not because he smokes weed or was involved in any of a number of documented crimes — but because his poorly produced, highly derivative and nauseatingly boring music is a threat to American’s rich musical culture.” One opponent stated, “I mean seriously, have you HEARD “Beauty and the Beat”? Deport him for that, alone. Please, I’m begging you.”

After successfully striking a deal with ICE, the militia group cried again, danced awkwardly and sang “As Long As You Love Me.” For every day Justin Bieber doesn’t get deported, ICE has promised to deport 1,000 immigrants per day, including  immigrants without criminal records, DREAM-eligible students, and parents of U.S. citizens.

*Apparently we must emphasize in BIG BOLD LETTERS that this piece is satire. Look it up. 

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