Feature photo by Mark J. Sebastian

Sex is an act that can bring life, kill, please and sometimes displease.  Not bad for a twenty minute ordeal (in most cases)?  I recently finished reading Jenna Jameson’s How to Make Love like a Porn Star: A Cautionary Tale:

“I know about sex the way some people know about music or computers.  It’s my livelihood.  Where women in other professions talk about the interest rate or comp cards, we talk about shaving  pubic hair (using Neosporin instead of shaving gel helps reduce shaving bumps) and getting menstrual blood out of your panties (try hydrogen peroxide). But what women ask me about most often is how to give a good blow job.”

Jenna doesn’t disappoint. She gives you her list of ten commandments to giving a great blow job, which you can read here. But she also memorializes her experiences and life as a porn star in an environment where women are under paid and overworked (no pun intended) and she further goes on to detail  her climb to multimillionaire success. She endured a great deal of emotional turmoil and at the end she is someone you should read about.

As I understand it, sex is a huge taboo topic in Latino households and consequently we were taught as little girls that “velo y corona” (get to the alter pure) was the right thing to do.  Well people, as anticlimactic as I may sound, I believe that in this day-in-age, that information is wrong.  As a little girl I was told by my mother that my social demise would surely come if I had sex with someone other than my husband, if I didn’t know how to cook a home cooked meal, keep a house clean and filetiar (iron) a pair of trousers.  Well two husband’s later, I learned that mom was sadly mistaken on one key point, SEX.

The act of sex is no longer viewed as it was generations ago.  The act is now more often spoken about, written about in articles offering tips on how to entice.  I’ve even heard of pole dancing as an exercise routine, so there you have it; everyone is talking about it, reading about it, and doing it.   The smart ones are working on perfecting their skill.

Now, let me direct your attention to the nearest newspaper, magazine or better yet, turn on your TV and count how many sexual innuendoes you see in one hour of viewing.  Listen honey, media cannot sell a loaf of bread without the presence of a nice pair of tits.  Therefore, bringing me to my next point…

While I don’t always agree of how women are portrayed in videos reality tv etc., etc.  The combativeness lies in teaching our younger generation of women that it all lies in empowering “self” in all aspects of the word.  Understand that a woman’s reproductive organs “jalan mas que una grua” (have the pull capacity of a tow truck) and such power should only be use for good not evil or self destruction.  Now add to that cultural awareness, education, sense of style, a nurturing hand, a sexy demeanor, a sense of calm and mystery in your personality, well-read, knowledgeable in sports, polite (and know your table manners,) etiquette, and you have yourself a winning well rounded WOMAN!

It’s all important, really it is. I take mental inventory as I write this and truthfully, I can’t swing a dead cat without hitting an un-happy cohabitating couple (married or/in a relationship).  People get bored and it’s like the old phrase says “Behind every beautiful girl is a man tired of screwing her.” You need to take steps to make sure you feel sexy so that you can keep your relationship exciting.

Enough philosophizing, here are some tips for date night with your significant other that’s sure to get an instant “rise” to the occasion. This will take some preparation, grooming, planning and attention to detail:

Self physical preparation:

  • Buy yourself a nice black cocktail dress that compliments your figure; and please wear a dressy coat.  I can’t tell you how bad it looks to be formally dressed and have on a North Face poufy coat.
  • Get a mani/pedi.
  • Please wax!  Would you lick a carpet?
  • Do your hair.
  • Have your make-up done professionally.
  • Don’t eat any carbs/crap on this day; you don’t want to feel bloated.

Self mental preparation:

  • Forget all the things that piss you off about him.
  • On this day pretend you are meeting the man of your dreams for a date, if he works at Jiffy Lube, girl pretend he’s a banker.
  • If you dislike his family, try not to have any contact with them 48-hours prior to your date night.
  • Tell yourself that that the efforts of making this night special are an investment in your relationship.  You take care of the things you love, right?  The kids, house, bank account, credit score…  Have the same level of care for the relationship you currently have, if you want to keep it, of course.

Date location:

  • Choose a place with NO TV’s; you don’t want him distracted by whatever game might be playing.
  • Make sure he knows how to get there easily and of course that there’s ample parking, you know men and their cars!
  • Don’t worry about prices; I doubt you’ll be there long.
  • Make sure you reserve a nice table in a quiet corner, go there beforehand and pick/reserve the table if you have to.  It’s all in the detail!

Prepare to attack:

  • On or the day before, leave little notes in his pockets
    • “I Love You,” “I am so drenched with excitement about our date tonight”, “I am going to make you so happy tonight,” (explicit imaginary things).
    • Leave a pair of sexy underwear in his coat pocket, or the night before hang a pair on the wind shield wiper’s stick in his car, be crafty….
  • Call him 3 hours before your date, and then don’t contact him again.  Make arrangements; he shouldn’t see you getting ready! Go to your comai’s house instead and get ready there.
  • Arrive a few minutes late and then do the following:
    • Walk in, and make eye contact with him asap, but don’t say a word.
    • Put to use that sexy strut as you walk towards him.
    • While standing in front of him, slowly slip out of your coat and/or shawl, still staring into his eyes.
    • Lay your coat ever so eloquently on the back of your chair, arching your back a little as you bend over, make sure he gets a good view of your “mondongo ass”
    • Now you are going to walk up to him and whisper in his ear the following words:
      • “Papito, I have been thinking about you all day long, you don’t know what you do to me…
      • Thereafter, you are going to grab his hand and guide it to where your panty line should be; but it’s NOT, because you left them in his car/coat!

You should by this point accomplish desire and the excitement that proves to culminate in long lasting memories. Finally, please understand, I don’t claim to be an expert on the subject of enticement, relationship or the like.  However, I have understood through experience that you cannot expect of a mate what you are unwilling to give.

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