Feature photo by cinnamon4girl
Alright, so we’re in the thick of summer and if you’re like me, you have ignored every beach body article that has fluttered before your eyes since, uh, like five years ago. Sure, you could pull off a bikini or a Speedo if your life depended on it, but jumping into Lake Michigan in your shorts and T-shirt is so much more…spontaneous.
I’m not exactly what you’d call a gym bunny. Frankly, gyms creep me out. I always feel like the super ripped dudes are either judging me for not looking like I belong on the WWF or like I’m getting my (awesome) big butt stared at for free. Actually, not for free. We all paid a gym membership to be in an awkward, sweaty social situation.
That’s why I’d rather have sex and count that as exercise.
In fact, with all the cardio that sex involves and the sweet, sweet endorphins of rubbing privates together, it totally beats running on a treadmill. I swear, if you start thinking of sex as exercise, you will be better at it. You’ll be able to think in your head, “Okay, if this is gonna count as exercise, I can’t just lay here. I gotta pull some moves!”
Some people have it all backwards. They think if they exercise to look better, that will lead to better sex. Fools! People will have sex with you anyway.
That whole “No Pain, No Gain” thing is crap. Make your fitness routine about pleasure and you’ll be more likely to enjoy it. What I’m getting at is that your physical health affects your sexual health and if you use your sexual health as a motivator, your physical health will improve. Who doesn’t want to have toe-curling orgasms?
Think of walking a little extra a day as increasing the length of time before you run out of breath when you’re doing it. Eat fewer fried foods—not because you wanna get rid of love handles. Do it because you want to feel as much pleasure as is physically possible. Clogging your arteries affects blood flow to ALL the parts of your body, including your favorite parts. Try some yoga to increase your flexibility and get you all loosened up to try Kama Sutra positions without embarrassing cramps. Hell, there’s even Nude Yoga, if you promise to go for the yoga and not the naked.
I’m just gonna take a moment to point out how I’m bypassing the stripper fitness trend- pole dancing, chair dancing, and all its variations. If it makes you feel sexy, go for it. I’m not gonna judge you. I’m just annoyed when enthusiasts refer to as “feminist.” It may be empowering to find yourself in a group of women, getting positive feedback on your sexiness. Just remember that feminism is about equal pay for equal work and ending ALL gender based discrimination– not just about being sexy.
However, the best workout you can do to improve your sex life is Kegel exercises.
What’s that? Never heard of Kegels? Whether, you’re male or female bodied, they’re the muscles that help you control your urine flow. If you’ve ever started and stopped your stream of pee so it sounded like Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face,” you’ve used your Kegels.
You can also flex those muscles when you’re not being a urinary musical prodigy. No need to go to the gym, you can flex them on the bus, in an elevator, crossing the street. You can even flex them, squeezing and releasing, RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. Okay, now do it like 49 more times and you have a good beginning workout.
Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you WHY you should flex them. If you want stronger orgasms, exercising your Kegel muscles is a must. Also, so that you don’t smell like pee when you’re a senior citizen because you’re incontinent. Smelling like pee = unsexy.
For the ladies, exercising your Kegels make your orgasmic contractions stronger. Sure, you could also parlay stronger vaginal muscles into a lucrative career performing with ping pong balls (it’s a recession after all). Aside from super-stardom and killer orgasms, Kegels also help reduce the likelihood of your internal organs prolapsing when you’re older or have a baby. This means your colon, bladder, or uterus won’t fall forward into your vagina because your muscles can’t hold them up anymore. After it happens, exercises can alleviate the condition, but depending on the severity, surgery might be necessary to fully correct it. Ouch! An ounce of prevention….
If actively thinking about Kegels is too much for you gals, you can just pop in some Smartballs and the movement of the weight inside the silicone toy will work out your girlie bits as they automatically clench in reaction to your movement. Single balls are for before childbirth and double balls are for after. If you’re less high maintenance, just squeezing and releasing is just fine.
For men, I’m sorry to report that I couldn’t find any cool pelvic muscle enhancing gadgets. A quick Google of “scrotum barbells” only turned up piercing websites. I’m sure most of you want me to stop talking about that right now, so I will. Still, flexing your dick muscles means you’ll have more control over when you orgasm. You can last longer without imagining something distracting like a sumo wrestler giving you a lap dance. Plus, if you do your Kegels naked, you can watch your manhood flop around and pretend it’s doing cock push-ups. Now THAT’s manly.
Well, this sex workout training session is over now. Hit the showers!