So, you’re just going to walk away? You, the queen of talk? I don’t understand what it is we have done in order for you to prefer the artificial body parts and fault lines of the West over the place that made you who you are. I don’t know much about sports, but you are pulling a Lebron James without the overbearingly haughty hubris. Not that you could use a bit of a descent when it comes to the placement of your pegs, but in all fairness you are a wonderful person and an even more wonderful business person. I just thank your god that you didn’t build that girl’s school in Chicago vs. South Africa, since I’m pretty sure the Catholic Church shall take care of the rapes this side of the Atlantic.
Mistakes aside, you have been pretty consistent with the perception of yourself even bringing Tina Fey to fictitiously hallucinate your image after taking a drug on an airplane as if you were Jesus on a tortilla or St. Sebastian on a tampon (or any other bloody saint). You have this organic calm about you that even emanates through the television screen. Yes, I have drunk your Kool-Aid, and like Jim Jones, your charismatic approach is lethal. You have almost single- handedly exposed different social mores that exist and have existed, such as racism, homosexuality, sexual abuse, and the list goes on, and I‘m far too angry to give you too much credit. However, what you absolutely did do on your own was show these issues in a franker, less exploitative way than your 20th century daytime counterparts. That being said, you have been something of a relic of what television used to be. I would have thought that having your own show would be cause for celebration and sedentary, but that is so passé. Owning your own network is what’s up (my goat), apparently.
Before you pack the three bags of beef jerky you take as carry-on luggage, think about what you leave behind. This is not only a great city, it is an historical one that tends to be overshadowed or forgotten by a number of different circumstances. Yours was one of high prestige that brought celebrities, athletes, dignitaries, politicians, etc. to the West Loop. With that said, the amount of businesses around your studios in that area, although spread out and sparse, have enjoyed success because of their shared geography. If I wasn’t positive the area has been cool for a while now, in spite of you and not because of you, I would say that your departure would leave a serious dent in the local economy. It doesn’t just stop there, though. The whole city is affected by your exit, for one of the first things out of people’s mouths from around the world to describe our Urbs in Horto are threefold: Al Capone, Michael Jordan, and then comes you, Oprah Winfrey. The history of Chicago has always been fraught with periods of pop and fizzle in terms of esteem and popularity, but no era has been so consistent since the one where you presided from your studio couches and interviewed the likes of literally fucking everyone. There is a lot to say about the roundedness of your wealth, how all of your products come full circle. There is also a lot to say about how your personal life has done more to fuel the fire that has kept your name in the papers, which depending on the type of career you lead, can be hit or miss. In your syndicated career, it’s always best to be kept alive via newsprint.
And listen, while we’re on the subject, you are fat but that’s good. What you have is and always was a real figure. It showed that you indeed were just like us unbathed masses, even with your blinding riches and colossally vulgar wealth. Of all the syndicated talk shows produced in Chicago, yours by far was better.
If you want to leave, just go. Seriously, if you think you’re too good for us or something, that’s on you. I don’t know if it’s the open space (both topographically and mentally) California has that makes it that much easier to run whole networks; however, with your money you could easily concrete over the entirety of Lincoln Park with enough leftover to buy whatever strikes your fancy. In fact, to make it up to me–I mean, us–you should do that. But I know you won’t because you’re a jerk. One warm embrace from your heady shoulders, and people are just supposed to take it? And fucking think of who your replacement might be. I heard that Rosie O’Donnell was sniffing the opportunity to take those studios. If that happens, West Loop will become as uncool as the impudently blatant name you chose for your network. Bitch, you don’t own me. However, I’m not one to judge; it’s your life. Do with it what you want. Don’t let me and the city that gave you the footing to skyrocket into acclaim and become one of the most singular people in history stand in your way. I’m just so sorry we couldn’t have made your stay more enjoyable. Maybe we should kiss the ass of the next billionaire conglomerate to decide to set sails here even harder than we kissed yours. As lesser forms of life would say, you do you. Indeed, do us all a favor and go do yourself.