It’s no secret. Nerds are hot. Clark Kent glasses? I’d beg Superman to leave them on while he sent me into otherwordly ecstasy.

You have to admit. All those comics full of buff superheroes, dark and mysterious villains, and buxom ladies of all moral persuasions—there’s a lot of erotic fantasy potential. That’s why this weekend I headed over to the Chicago Comic and Entertainment Expo for some good ol’-fashioned nerd ogling.

Aside from gawking at some of the cast of True Blood, there was certainly plenty of costumed fetishism to keep a scopophile like myself happy. I got to see a studly Indiana Jones with a bullwhip taking pictures with a girl who was holding his gun. (Haha! So dirty!) I also got to see the built, athletic bodies of the hotties coaching the convention’s Quidditch teams. (I know! Nerd Jocks! Drool!) Then I saw at least three sexy-ass Wolverines, one drop-dead gorgeous Doctor Who, a couple of tempting Poison Ivys and one ballsy guy dressed as Sailor Moon. You gotta love the convention crossdressing.

But by far my favorite part of C2E2 was the Star Wars–themed speed dating. Oh yeah, you heard me. Star Wars speed dating, bitches. If I’m gonna give speed dating a try, that shit has to be intergalactic.

Signing up was easy—the only requirements were that you be over 18 and single. There were way more guys than girls, so the ladies were definitely at an advantage. It was like shooting fish in a sexually repressed barrel. I was hoping more of the guys would be in costume so I could be able to say I dated Han Solo or the Riddler. I did, however, date Napoleon Dynamite and some guy dressed up like a soldier from some video game I’ve never heard of. I’m gonna be honest. I’m not a fan of video games. They came between me and sex with a hot geek in high school and I’ve hated them ever since. Take a hint, buddy. I’m not sitting in your bedroom because I want to watch you pretend to steal cars. Stop fiddling with your controller and start playing with my….

Sorry about the flashback. It still haunts me. Needless to say, I didn’t hit it off with the gamer.

Plenty of the girls were dressed up in costume for the speed dating and they were SUPER HOT. I ended up sitting next to Princess Leia in a gold bikini—the total nerd wet dream. She was tough competition, I’ll admit it, but I think I totally held my own. One of the guys told me he thought that if I flipped my convention badge, it would say PRESS so I’ve definitely got that sexy journalist vibe going on.

All in all, speed dating was a lot of fun. Here are just a few tips if you decide to try it for yourself:

  • Come up with a few stock things you want to say about yourself. Maybe hobbies, books or movies that you want to mention. The point is to make sure that you have something to say in case you get nervous and so that you don’t accidentally end up blabbing too much personal information, like where you live or work. You don’t want people to be able to track you down if you don’t want them to.
  • Come up with a few stock questions you want to ask the other speed daters. Interests are fairly safe to ask about. You don’t want to make the other person feel like you’re interrogating him or her about relationships, politics, race, religion, sexual preferences, etc. The point of speed dating is to have fun and light small talk with people to see if there are any sparks. It’s essentially an audition for a first date. There will be plenty of time to ask those important questions later if you like each other.
  • Like on longer dates, make sure that there’s a good balance between you and the other person talking.
  • If you end up being paired with someone you’re not attracted to at any point in the event, don’t be a jerk. No one’s making you marry that person.
  • Make sure you have a filling meal before the speed-dating event. These things can last a couple of hours and you don’t want to get crabby when you’re making first impressions. Also, bring a bottle of water with you if they’re allowed. All that talking can leave you parched.
  • Don’t get too personal. It isn’t therapy.
  • Don’t say things like you’re sorry for boring the other person or other lame things like that. That’s either a mark of low self-esteem or a ploy to engage the nurturing instincts of your potential partner and either way, who has time for that shit? Also, don’t tell people how lonely you are—even if it’s true.
  • Be confident that you’re an awesome person and that if you don’t find the nerd darling of your dreams at this event, maybe you will at the next convention. Just relax and enjoy seeing all the new faces.

If you want your chance at Star Wars themed speed dating, you might have to wait for next year’s convention. But if you want to get with a nerd, you can check out at Nerds at Heart.

After the speed dating, I spent the rest of the convention hunting down comic book–themed condoms. One of my friends told me that he saw them and since I couldn’t find them, part of me thinks he’s a lying jerk. I did track down a few of the naughtier elements of the convention. I found a booth where you could pose with the sexy girls from www.CosplayDeviants.com. It’s an erotic website where you can find ladies acting out comic culture bombshell archetypes in various stages of undress.

Oh, and just in case you want a blue dick, I was able to track down Watchmen-themed condoms online.

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