Feature photo by southernpixel

Mistletoe. Glittery balls. Hot chocolate body paint. Peppermint striped dildos. Nipple clamps with bells. Fa-la-la-la, XXX-Mas is here again!

It’s time to get your wish list ready so when you sit on your Santa’s lap, you can ask for all those sexual favors you’ve been dreaming of all year. Then, when you’re all unwrapped and in your snowflake pasties like a good girl, you can offer up your cookie as a treat. While pearls are nice, what a girl really wants is to get her pearl polished. Especially when she’s been naughty….

Okay, I just accidentally imagined myself getting oral sex from the Santa at Macy’s and I’m a little creeped out. I’m going to cut back on the Santa euphemisms for now.

Let’s talk about diving into your Marshmallow Wonderland.

Imagine my surprise at finding out that not every girl is comfortable becoming the holiday feast. While doing research for this article, at least half of the tips I came across all involved reassuring the lady of her lusciousness. NONE of the sex guides I’ve ever read have ever had to convince a guy his dick is good enough to get sucked.

This doesn’t mean girls don’t like receiving oral sex. This just means there is a Grinch who wants to keep us from enjoying amazing tongue-inflicted orgasms. Society has a way of making us feel bad about our bodies, and if we’re not careful, it can steal our XXX-Mas presents.

The Ultimate Guide To Cunnilingus by Violet Blue brilliantly sums up four common fears women have about having a lover go down on them: 1. How they look 2. How they smell 3. How they taste 4. How long they take. All of these fears are of course, brought on by various social misconceptions. If all a girl ever knows of pussies is the airbrushed, fake-orgasming porn variety and all the “fish taco” jokes of the pop culture variety, then no wonder many women feel like they’re hiding mutants in their panties.

No darling, it’s a snowflake. And it will melt deliciously on your lover’s tongue. Each of our vajayjays is lovely and different. Don’t believe me? Pick yourself up a copy of 199 Vaginas: The Ultimate Photo Collection. Pick up a mirror. Or have a private photo shoot and make a vagina portrait. Put it on your XXX-Mas cards. For goodness sakes, if your aversion to your own vagina is that strong, read the Vagina Monologues. Anything! Just learn to love your pussy. Because when you love it, your muff will have a glow of its own. It will be irresistible. And you will finally enjoy the 8,000 nerve endings dedicated to pleasure that you have been blessed with.

I forget how the Grinch movie goes, but I’m pretty sure he stops being a jerk, so let me say a few more words to win over your internal Grinch. Whenever a friend of mine takes a sip or bite of something particularly tasty, he exclaims “It tastes like God’s vagina!” Another friend of mine can give an entire lecture on how going down on a girl should be a series of one act plays. (By which he means that it shouldn’t lead up to penetration as the main event, but that it should be a performance with a climax of its own.) And another friend of mine says she thinks oral sex takes a fucking champ because “you can’t just go for the gold right away.”

Which brings me to my next point: receiving is great, but there is also a time for giving (for me, it was freshman year of college when I could still handle vodka…Oh, Grey Goose, how I miss you…).

In addition to Violet Blue’s book, I also recommend Box Lunch: The Layperson’s Guide to Cunnilingus. It has great, humorously given advice and at one point refers to female hard-ons as “clitters.” Please help that catch on (sample dialogue: “Ooh, she totally gives me the clitters…”). Oral Sex She’ll Never Forget is very visually focused with great erotic photography and diagrams—oooh! and games! Each book also has sections on erotic shaving (your preferences with regards to how you trim your tree are your own, of course, but the more that is exposed, the more there is to lick. Just sayin’).

Pro Tips From Yours Truly

1. Work your way in. Spend time kissing and licking the outer lips until she’s bucking against you or asking for more. Do the same with the inner lips. Work her up.

2. We don’t really get a good look at our lady bits very often, so telling us how gorgeous they are is a good idea. Allow yourself to stop and stare lovingly if you can’t help it. Tell us about our wonderful smell and taste. Keep the compliments seasonal if you must. I kinda want the next person I sleep with to tell me I taste like a sugar plum fairy.

3. With all the licking and sucking and teasing, make sure you aren’t just using your tongue. Use your lips. Even, your nose will feel good, Rudolph.

4. When you reach the clit, start off slow and increase pressure to gauge reactions. Vary your tongue direction and speed until you find something that makes us moan.

5. We know going down on us makes you a little nervous too, so relax. If you’re loving what you are doing, we can feel it and it turns us on. There really is no right or wrong way to eat pussy—but if we tell you to keep doing something, keep doing it!

Peace on Earth, good will towards men– all are possible with really good orgasms. Put cunnilingus on your wish list, my babies and this month there won’t be any silent nights….

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