Feature photo by Fausto Hernandez
Come all ye faithful…joyful and triuuumphant! O come ye, O come ye however you want!
Christmas carols are so much better when you have a dirty mind.
For your holiday reading pleasure, I have perverted The Twelve Days of Christmas. Each lame gift in the song has been replaced with pure sexiness. The following is a list of toys that would make Scrooge come so that hard he wouldn’t need a threesome with ghosts to put him in a better mood. Sing along with me, my lovelies. . .
On the first day of XXX-mas, my true love gave to me:
1. A SpareParts Joque Harness
This is the first harness that’s fully adjustable without having to struggle with buckles and snaps. It’s made out of neoprene and has a stretchable O-ring that can accommodate various sizes of dildos. And because it has a pocket of fabric between you and the dildo, it’s comfy!
2. Two Nipple Clamps
Unless you have three nipples…then you might need more. There are various types. Alligator clamps, press clamps, clothes pin clamps, tweezer clamps. Blah, blah, blah. I say you pick the ones that have bells dangling from them to keep that festive feeling.
3. Three French Ticklers
Mostly, these made the list because I needed something to replace “French horns.” For those of you who don’t know what they are, they are condoms with a textured addition at the tip designed to stimulate. I think they’re better suited to external stimulation—like on a penis or dildo rubbing the outside of an orifice, unless you like scratchy penetration. “French ticklers” also refer to textured tongue piercing jewelry designed to feel awesome during oral sex.
4. Four ounces of Lube
An essential for all kinds of activity—including holiday traveling. Sure, the airline regulations are 3 oz. but you’ll probably use the first ounce practicing for your mile high fantasy in the airport bathroom. This week, I recommend you try Sliquid Organics Natural Warming Lubricant. It uses natural menthol to increase sensitivity. You’ll want to dab some on before heading out just to keep a smile on your face all day.
5. Five Vibrating Cockrings!
I am the Martha Stewart of cockrings. I suggest you use them alone or with a partner. You can hang them as tree decorations, hand them out as party favors, put them on dildos, on penises or even put them on vibrators. They’re the sex toy equivalent of doilies.
6. Six Tenga Eggs
I couldn’t resist making the subtle reference to “six geese a laying.” Well, with Tenga egg masturbator sleeves, you’ll be laying yourself. They’re made of elastomer and come with a packet of lube. They are stretchable and textured and can be used by both men and women. Men can stretch them over their throbbing members and women can turn them inside and use them as vibrator sleeves. Oh, yes… you’ll want at least a half dozen (I’ll leave out the eggnog jokes..).
7. Deluxe 7 Piece Restraint Kit
Two wrist cuffs, two ankle cuffs, two tethers, and a blindfold. Whether you want to try being an assertive top or a compliant bottom, it’s time for some holiday bondage. The safety phrase is “swans a-swimming.”
8. Eight-mode Waterproof Vibe
The Soraya by Lelo is the best dual action vibrator in the world. Waterproof, with a flexible clitoral pleasure point, fully rechargeable, and 8 different pulse cycles! Forget about the Rabbit Pearl – this is the wave of the future.
9. Nine inch Monster Dildo
The Carina by Vamp is the largest soft skin dildo on the market. It is a true monument to Size Queens. Whether you want to fuck or be fucked by a thick nine inch dildo, this is the kind of toy that’s fun to keep around for its sheer intimidation factor. Just imagine how wide your next partner’s eyes will get when they stumble across this bad boy. Tiny Tim will feel even tinier.
11. Eleven Genres of Porn
Okay, there are far more than just 11 genres of porn. I’m really just alluding to the fact that people’s tastes in porn vary widely. If you’re going to buy someone porn, give them options. Do research into what they like. If they like anime, they might like hentai porn. Hopefully, you won’t come across anything in the tentacle rape genre (Japanese laws forbid the depiction of the penis, but for some reason, depiction of penetration by tentacles is okay…).
12. A Twelve Pack of Crown Condoms
Along with anime porn, these amazing condoms are also from Japan. It is for that reason that I am willing to overlook the whole tentacle rape thing. They had me at ‘Japanese rope bondage,’ and then they made THE BEST CONDOMS EVER!!!!! They also make Tenga products. That’s why this XXX-mas, I say “God bless the Japanese, every one!”
P.S. Don’t forget to check out PERV: A Queer XXXMAS at Berlin on Monday December 27th. 11pm-3am, my loves.