A&E El Blog

Unzipped: Sexual First Aid

Feature photo by statto7

Let’s be honest: no one is a sexual super stud 100% of the time. Sometimes sex doesn’t quite live up to our expectations and telling our partner that what they’re doing is kind of weird or not working at all can get pretty awkward in the moment. So maybe you just do your best to work with what you’ve got. Maybe it ends well or maybe it doesn’t. The next day you either laugh about it together— or you send your friends a text that ends up on Texts From Last Night. (734: the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. Over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.)

If only there was some way to be more proactive in the moment….Some way to rescue the situation before it stumbles into the ridiculous…Well, there is. You just have to be prepared, folks. What every sexually savvy adult needs in his/her life is a sexual first aid kit.

A friend and I got the idea to actually make and market these kits for those of you who are too lazy to DIY so we call dibs on the patent! For those of you who want to learn how to make your own, read on darlings.

A sexual first aid kit is ideally a nondescript container where you can keep a few essentials to help you deal with pesky unexpected sexual snaffoos. You either leave it in your car, your bedside table or your purse. (Important Side Note: There is no shame in being prepared to have sex. It means you care about your health, your pleasure, and your partner. If said partner gets weird about your way of caring, DON’T fuck them!)

Yes, there are already “intimacy love kits,” with pretty pink hearts on them that cater to basic condom/lube needs. These kits are more intended for couples trying to revive a spark or to fans of romantic dramas. I fit into neither of those categories and neither do many of my single and sassy casual dating friends. And pulling out anything that says “intimacy” or “love” on it with someone you just started seeing screams of horrible misunderstanding.

So ideally, what would go into a sexual first aid kit? A few basics to be creatively used.

Lube
The truly prepared will have two kinds in their kit: unflavored for less friction during fucking and flavored for interesting watermelon-flavored oral sex. Also, lube makes for killer hand jobs and is a necessity if you’re going to be doing anything anal. You never know when you’ll need it so let’s all be like good little Girl Scouts and always be prepared.

Condoms
Duh! They just make you safer in general, but have added benefits. Using a condom can make a premature ejaculator last longer. Flavored condoms can be an oral sex quick fix for those who just don’t like the taste of penis (diet and genetics mean that not all boys taste the same- ditto for girls). Condoms come in all kinds of shapes, sizes and colors to make a boy feel like he’s wearing dick lingerie. Black tuxedo condoms and ribbed for her pleasure are my personal favorites.

Dental Dams
Once again they come in flavored and unflavored and make oral sex safer. They’re also good as quick fixes. Don’t like giving rim jobs, but he loves them? Compromise by using a grape flavored dental dam. He wants to go down on you, but has scruffy facial hair? Use a dental damn to keep your privates from chaffing.

Mini Vibrator
Mini vibrators are good for extra stimulation during a problem free session. Actually, they’re good for keeping you out of bad sex situations to begin with. They’re also helpful when you’re with one of those girls or guys that puts a lot of pressure on you to have an orgasm, but isn’t exactly helping things along. Or for when they’re satisfied and asleep and you’re not.

Cockrings
For when things go soft and you want them to stay hard, make sure you have cockrings on hand. Stimulate, get erect, and just use lube for easy application and removal. You can thank me later.

Other essentials:

Rubber gloves
Rubber gloves can be used for sexy doctor role play or can turn into finger cots and dental dams in a quick bind for safe sex.

Small Scented Candle and Matches
A friend told me to add this for when bad gas threatens to ruin a romantic situation. He would know.

Deodorant and Breath Mints
For olfactory benefits- no one feels sexy when they smell bad. Also, breath mints can be used to intensify oral sex with a fresh, cooling sensation.

Band aids/ Neosporin
For when piercings get caught in lingerie. Or for when things get caught in other things.

Baby Wipes/Tissue packs
To clean up unwanted messes, wherever those messes may be.

Handcuffs/Ball Gag/Silk Scarf
A tactful way of dealing with those lovers who bite and scratch where you don’t want to be bitten and scratched. Also a cure for porno talk and Joey Lawrence orgasms.

All of these suggestions are meant to be brought up tactfully and while using your sexiest, most soothing voice. As in “Ooh, baby, lemme try this thing I’ve always wanted to do…” Seducing someone into a quick fix will totally make you feel like a sex god/goddess who can handle anything.

Most of these tips are designed with women in mind but during an informal poll of dudes at a bar, they claimed that “Man, we don’t care. We’re just happy when you’re on our junk.” So if any of you gents have any suggestions as to what else should go in the kit, please drop us a line at hola@gozamos.com.

For when emergencies go beyond whether you enjoyed yourself or not, keep the phone number of a reliable cab company on hand and the number for Planned Parenthood in case of a need for Plan B or rape counselor. Donate to Planned Parenthood here.

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