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queen-of-hearts

Feature illutration via govert1970

I realize that the world is already inundated with articles in women’s magazines about how to give the perfect blow job. That’s why I’m here to tell you that there’s no such thing. Having a list of techniques of (supposedly) foolproof techniques that work on every dude means that I would be condemning the penises of the world to a lifetime of robotic copy-cat blow jobs.

Each hummer should be as unique as the penis that receives it. Think of them as oral sex snowflakes, expertly crafted by your mouth and hands.

For you see, my darlings, it is not the quantity of blow jobs given, but the quality that will win you the title of Blow Job Queen.

Anatomy Sing Along
As with any other story of becoming royalty, there is a song and dance number to help you on your way.

Head. Shaft. Base. Balls. Taint. And sometimes Butthole.

These are the sensitive parts you can play with.
These are the sensitive parts you should know.

Head. Shaft. Base. Balls. Taint. And sometimes…Butthole.

There you go. Now remember it. Sing it to yourself when you most need it. Imagine there are lovely, big-eyed woodland creatures about you, wishing you well.

Timing
Yes, getting a guy to come in four minutes flat is impressive. But it does not guarantee that it was a good blow job. Maybe just an efficient one. Like scarfing down a meal without really enjoying it. The best dick sucking sessions are an experience for both partners.

Like a good suspense thriller, delaying gratification is a good way to build up to a powerful climax. You’re in charge of the dick sucking rhythm. Build momentum then slow it down a couple of times. Make him beg for more.

A wonderful expert dick sucker that I know suggests playing music and bobbing your head on his junk to the rhythm of the beat. Maybe hum along. The vibrations will feel divine. Playing music will also help you gauge how long you’ve been going at it. Only at the chorus of the first song and you’re already bored? Nope, it’s not quitting time yet. Keep going, babe. Five songs in, okay, maybe it’s time to switch to another event (also, check to see if the skin on his dick got prune-y from being in your mouth. I’ve never seen it but always wondered if that could happen).

What to do with …
Like I said, ever BJ Queen has to develop her own signature style. But if you don’t know what’s possible yet, then you won’t know how to build your own repertoire.

Your Teeth

Try not to use them. Scraping them up and down his penis carelessly will make him feel like you just stuck his dick in a pencil sharpener. Pucker up so that the skin on the inside of your mouth covers up your teeth. Suck on your finger. If you can’t feel your pearly whites, you’ve successfully retracted your fangs.

Pro Tip: This isn’t to say that teeth are never skillfully applied. The advanced dick sucker can use them in light and playful teasing bites without causing any pain or distress. Practice makes perfect!

Your Hands
Being able to fit his whole dick in your mouth can feel awesome for him, but it’s not necessary. If he’s especially long, you can use your hands on his shaft to create a stopping point. Actually, the combination of manual and oral stimulation feels amazing no matter what the dick to mouth ratio is. Move your hand up and down as you suck. Experiment with pressure and direction of motion. Bring your hand over the head of his dick to take a break from sucking. Bring your cupped hand all the way down to the nerve endings at the base of his dick where the balls and shaft meet. Other options for your magic fingers include cradling his balls, applying pressure to his prostate through his taint or anus (see my column on the male g-spot), or holding down his stomach if he’s one of those jerks that tries to hump your face while you blow him.

Your Tongue and Lips
Every part of the anatomy we sang about is fair game to be caressed by your tongue and lips. It’s up to you how creative you want to get. My biggest tip is to not focus so much on what feels good to him. Yes, that’s important, but also make sure you do what feels good to you. That’s really what’s going to separate the Blow Job Queen from the Runners Up.

Some suggestions: Try running your lips over his shaft and balls, giving light sucking kisses. Trace shapes that amuse you on his body with your tongue. The upside down V shape, known as the frenulum that is just below his head is an extra sensitive spot for kissing and licking action. One of my favorite things to do is to flick my tongue against this spot, while the lucky fella is in my mouth. That’s another point I should make: don’t just let your tongue be flaccid while he’s in your mouth. Be a good oral hostess. Swirl your tongue around his head and make him feel at home.

Your Breath
Letting your warm breath stimulate his sensitive spots is a good teasing technique. Another note with regards to breath: hold it while you deep throat so you don’t gag.

His Semen and You
If you were using a flavored condom the mess will be self contained. Flavored products like lube and condoms are a good way to handle health and hygiene issues tactfully. I’ve been told men can be very sensitive creatures, so care should be taken with their feelings. In my personal experience, I think brutal honesty is much more amusing.

If you decide to take the condom off, you can let him finish on whatever part of your body you find most willing. You by no means have to swallow for it to be great oral. And it makes for great porn, but you don’t necessarily have to get a facial. So no, you don’t have to put up with jizz in the eye or in the belly unless you want to. He can come on your chest, neck, or his own stomach and still have it be a grand finale. That being said, semen can transmit HIV and various other STDs. So practice safe sex, because I love you. And the kingdom needs you.

Etiquette of Receiving a Blow Job
Like performing the proper bow and courtesy, there are rules to be observed in the presence of royalty. Oral sex royalty is no different. Only pull hair, dick slap in face, make gag, face fuck, orgasm in mouth and/or face if prearranged with His/Her Majesty. Failure to do so will result in your banishment.

There you go, my pretty babies. Now go get yourself that bachelorette penis crown that I know you deserve.

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