My expectations for Salt weren’t high. But the carefully edited action clips and mystery built into the trailer were enough to make me expect an entertaining level of mediocrity. And isn’t it always worth paying $10 to see Angelina Jolie kick some ass? Apparently not. While the first ten minutes of the movie had me engrossed, my intrigue quickly turned to disdain. This movie is one big eye roll. Ludicrous action sequences. Choppy dialogue. Uninspired acting. A contrived storyline. When a movie can’t make you forget that you’re watching a movie, it’s a really, really bad movie.

Salt is as predictable as Thanksgiving dinner, as horrible as fruitcake. Even I, who detests talking during movies, often found myself whispering sarcastically to my girlfriend, “Oh, I didn’t see that coming.” My commentary only stopped when I realized that she had fallen asleep. If I had only been so lucky. I sat wide-eyed through all 99 horrible minutes. Dissecting every ridiculous scene would mean reliving the movie, something too painful, so instead, I’ll share some wonderful lessons I learned from Salt.

1. Going undercover is a cinch. Just steal the array of trendy fresh dry cleaning and fur hats (conveniently Russian) readily available at every corner. Don’t worry. No one is looking.

2. Trying to escape an army of secret agents? Jump on a truck doing 60 on a highway. Wait for another truck to pass by and then jump again. Truck-hopping is easy–it won’t even mess up your hair.

3. Handcuffed in the back of a squad car with two armed officers? No worries. Take a few swipes then keep tasering the driver so he drives exactly where you want to go. When you crash every squad car in sight, including the one you’re in, simply brush your hair and walk away. Don’t worry about getting caught. Again, no one is looking.

4. If you want to be discrete, do really obvious things. That’ll trick the bastards following you. Walk right past them, hunched over and wearing a thick ski hat. You got it made if you’re a ravishing, tall dark-haired beauty dressed in tight black leather mysteriously walking away unscathed from a crash scene. No one will pay any attention to you.

5. When someone really wants to shoot you and they have you at point-blank range, the best thing to do is wait. No rush. Just wait while they pause and stare at you. Then look around and plan your escape. Take your time. La-dee-da. Oh, you’re ready now? Okay. Make your getaway. Go before someone doesn’t stop you.

Save your $10. Heck, even save your $1 at Redbox. Wait until the movie comes out on a Sunday afternoon on UPN. Don’t worry. It’ll be sooner than you think.

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