By Luz Chavez on May 17, 2010

After her rampage last week, one would think La Gozamos Gordita had gotten caught up in the fierce competition. You could almost picture her chomping furiously on a carrot stick as she pounded away on the keyboard. Some readers gushed, “It’s just tough love. She’s so determined to do this.”

Or is she?

Rumor has it La Gordita was spotted last week at a South Side Mexican ice cream/nachos/corn-in-a-cup establishment. Witnesses reported a suspicious woman wearing a dark trench coat and thick sunglasses. “She hung around outside until the customers left. Then she slipped in quietly and stared at the buckets of ice cream. She didn’t say anything for a long time, even when we asked her if she’d like to try the new quadruple-scoop fudge-dipped sundae. Then all of a sudden she collapsed into a fetal position and rocked back and forth mumbling something like, ‘Moo, moo, moose tracks.’ It was scary. A few seconds later, she jumped up, pointed at us and shouted, ‘You never saw me in here, got it?’” The store employee was so disturbed that he declined to give his name out of fear of retribution.

Has La Gordita finally fallen off the wagon? The scandal has divided the public.

“Nobody’s perfect. It’s normal to slip up,” one supporter offered. Gozamos Gordos United released a statement saying, “Society puts too much pressure on us gordos. It’s only natural for La Gordita to crack under pressure.” A YouTube video has even surfaced with one Gordita fan desperately pleading, “Leave La Gordita ALONE!”

Others have not been so sympathetic. One dissenter berated,”I don’t see why she even wrote about her weight loss challenge in the first place. Why publicize it? She brought this on herself!” Another detractor with bones protruding through her skin scoffed, “I’m not surprised. Once fat, always fat.”

Salacious rumors quickly began running rampant: “I heard she’s been kicked out of McDonald’s for stealing kids’ french fries.” “Well, I heard she’s been going to 7/11 at 4 in the morning and buying Biggie cups filled with nacho cheese and jalapeňos.”

Another report also has the public wondering whether La Gordita’s two-month-run of being smoke-free is coming to a disturbing end. “This weird chubby girl came up to me last night as I was smoking outside a club. I thought she was just making small talk, but every time I exhaled a cloud of smoke, she would open her mouth and breathe in heavily,” one hacking smoker disclosed.

The odd report prompted others to question La Gordita’s mental state. “She’s always seemed a little nutty to me. In her weigh-loss articles, she constantly refers to the Weight Loss Troopers, like there’s some big tofu-eating, stretch-pants-wearing army doing this. Ain’t no one doing this except those same two people that write comments every week.”

Upon being questioned about the sightings and rumors, La Gordita immediately held a press conference downtown. Only three people showed up, including an older woman who kept referring to La Gordita as “mija.” Behind the podium, a huge banner read “Weight Loss Troopers: Stand United!” A barefoot Gordita stepped onto the stage as Public Enemy’s song, “Don’t Believe the Hype” blasted from the speakers. Attendees glanced at each other quizzically when she blindfolded herself before stepping onto a fortune-telling weight scale. The scale revealed that she had lost one pound; that her lucky numbers were 5, 8, and 16; and that something she lost will soon turn up. Then, as if addressing an immense crowd of pudgy faces, La Gordita proceeded to scan the almost-empty room while delivering a passionate three-hour speech. An excerpt follows:
“Weight Loss Troopers, the rumors are not true. I did not have ravenous relations with junk food. But, I must admit, I made one mistake that I am ashamed of. I ate one scoop of butter pecan ice cream. It was sugar-free, but that’s no excuse. I’m sorry for failing my partner, my family, and all of you who believed in me. This is a difficult time for my loved ones and me. I hope that you respect our privacy during this period.” Before departing, La Gordita said she was looking forward to putting the incident behind her and focusing on the future. She emphasized, “I am excited about what tomorrow may bring. I even have some new recipes to share with all the Weight Loss Troopers.” La Gordita’s recipe recommendations were released this morning.

Vitamin Protein Shake
- 1 tablespoon of hemp protein
- 2 tablespoons of frozen berries
- 1 tablespoon of flaxseed
- 4 almonds
- 1 multivitamin
- 1/4 cup of fresh spinach
- 1 teaspoon of steviaor another natural sweetener
- 1 cup of water, soymilk, or fat-free milk
Blend all the ingredients and drink immediately, otherwise everything settles into the bottom of the glass. Makes one glass.

Spring Mix Salad with Spicy Chipotle Black Bean Patty
- Morningstar Farm spicy chipotle black bean burger
- spring mix
- spinach
- 1/4 cup of walnuts
- feta cheese
- 1/2 cup of chopped Anjou pears
- balsamic vinaigrette
Cook the black bean patty per the directions on the box. Let it cool. Meanwhile, mix the other ingredients in a salad bowl. Slice the patty into thin strips and place on top of the salad. You can also use salmon or steak instead of the bean patty.

Recipe Links
Chef Lala’s videos for several healthy Latino recipes
Two Latina celebrity chefs battle to claim the best guacamole
More healthy Latino recipes